Victim Mentality vs. Self-Responsibility
Another type of thinking that we can become stuck in is victim mentality. When we have this mentality, we blame all our problems on others. We fail to take responsibility for our actions or for the lives we are leading. Let’s be clear about the difference between being a victim and having a victim mentality. Many people are victims of terrible ordeals and traumas—physical, sexual or emotional abuse, assault or violence. These are terrible crimes and terrible experiences. It is how we respond to these situations and process our feelings that determine if we remain victims throughout our lives.
When we are in victim mentality, we feel like the world owes us because of the suffering we have endured. At the same time, we are allowing our victimizers to continue to control us. We are stuck in the past because we refuse to move ahead. Moving on from trauma or pain is very difficult. You should allow yourself to feel the hurt and to grieve. But if you do not deal with your feelings and release them, you will always be a victim. You won’t overcome adversity. Your health will suffer, your relationships will suffer, and your soul will suffer. I've written a book called Truth Heals: What You Hide Can Hurt You (Hay House 2009) that addresses this question and that you may find helpful.
It is hard to let go of our status as victim. Why would someone want to be a victim? Like negative thinking, it is often easier to remain in this state than it is to change perspective. Some may even enjoy the attention they receive in this role. It is comfortable to many people because it is the role they know. It is scary to change habits you’ve carried throughout your life. What will happen next? What if I fail? Who or what will I have to blame? Life is not about blame; this is one more negative feeling that you need to release. If you fail, you fail. Try again. No matter what happens, remember that you can get back up—if you want to.
Part of this process is learning to forgive. Forgiveness does not in any way imply forgetting. We may never forget what happened to us, but we can forgive. It doesn’t mean we have to become best friends with whoever wronged us. Indeed, we may never see or speak to this person again. But when we hold hatred, bitterness, and resentment in our hearts, our health and well-being suffer. Numerous studies have been that the ability to let go of grudges can:
* Decrease blood pressure
* Reduce stress
* Lower heart rates
* Reduce symptoms of depression and anxiety
* Reduce chronic pain
* Improve immune functioning
As you read this, you may be saying, “But I don’t just have a simple grudge. I was the victim of child abuse (or assault, violence, or emotional abuse).” And you are right; these are not merely grudges. There is nothing irrational about being upset, angry, sad, anxious, or fearful, nor is anyone blaming you for feeling these things. Forgiveness, though, is something that you do for you, not for the other person. You are not accepting that what they did was right. You are not excusing it. You don’t have to like the person you are forgiving or reestablish a relationship with them. You don’t even have to tell them you forgive them.
What, then, does forgiving mean?
Forgiveness means that you are letting go of the negative feelings. It means that you have felt the emotions, processed them, and released them. They no longer have the power to hurt you. This is like letting go of your victim mentality; the abuser does not have any power to hurt you, nor do your emotions. This is a difficult process and does not happen overnight.
Eli Wiesel, a Holocaust survivor, writer, and Nobel Peace Laureate, suffered immensely under the Nazi regime. Taken to concentration camp Buchenwald, Wiesel’s parents and younger sister were killed before he and his two other sisters were liberated. If anyone has reason to bear resentment and hatred, it is this man. Instead, he has written about his experiences (thus processing and releasing them), and he has worked to make people aware of the Holocaust and ethnic cleansing throughout the world. Not only that, but he has shown tremendous courage in forgiving. In an interview with Oprah Winfrey, Oprah asked if he hated his oppressors. His reply:
I had anger but never hate. Before the war, I was too busy studying the Bible and the Cabala to hate. After the war, I thought, What’s the use? To hate would be to reduce myself.
To continue to hang onto hurt, pain, anger, and fear reduces us. It places us always as the victims. For your own sake, for your health and well-being, you need to start on this path of forgiveness. Is it worth holding onto negative feelings at the risk of your happiness and your health? We hold workshops on a regular basis across the country (and around the world) where I work with attendees on problems like victim mentality.
Another type of thinking that we can become stuck in is victim mentality. When we have this mentality, we blame all our problems on others. We fail to take responsibility for our actions or for the lives we are leading. Let’s be clear about the difference between being a victim and having a victim mentality. Many people are victims of terrible ordeals and traumas—physical, sexual or emotional abuse, assault or violence. These are terrible crimes and terrible experiences. It is how we respond to these situations and process our feelings that determine if we remain victims throughout our lives.
When we are in victim mentality, we feel like the world owes us because of the suffering we have endured. At the same time, we are allowing our victimizers to continue to control us. We are stuck in the past because we refuse to move ahead. Moving on from trauma or pain is very difficult. You should allow yourself to feel the hurt and to grieve. But if you do not deal with your feelings and release them, you will always be a victim. You won’t overcome adversity. Your health will suffer, your relationships will suffer, and your soul will suffer. I've written a book called Truth Heals: What You Hide Can Hurt You (Hay House 2009) that addresses this question and that you may find helpful.
It is hard to let go of our status as victim. Why would someone want to be a victim? Like negative thinking, it is often easier to remain in this state than it is to change perspective. Some may even enjoy the attention they receive in this role. It is comfortable to many people because it is the role they know. It is scary to change habits you’ve carried throughout your life. What will happen next? What if I fail? Who or what will I have to blame? Life is not about blame; this is one more negative feeling that you need to release. If you fail, you fail. Try again. No matter what happens, remember that you can get back up—if you want to.
Part of this process is learning to forgive. Forgiveness does not in any way imply forgetting. We may never forget what happened to us, but we can forgive. It doesn’t mean we have to become best friends with whoever wronged us. Indeed, we may never see or speak to this person again. But when we hold hatred, bitterness, and resentment in our hearts, our health and well-being suffer. Numerous studies have been that the ability to let go of grudges can:
* Decrease blood pressure
* Reduce stress
* Lower heart rates
* Reduce symptoms of depression and anxiety
* Reduce chronic pain
* Improve immune functioning
As you read this, you may be saying, “But I don’t just have a simple grudge. I was the victim of child abuse (or assault, violence, or emotional abuse).” And you are right; these are not merely grudges. There is nothing irrational about being upset, angry, sad, anxious, or fearful, nor is anyone blaming you for feeling these things. Forgiveness, though, is something that you do for you, not for the other person. You are not accepting that what they did was right. You are not excusing it. You don’t have to like the person you are forgiving or reestablish a relationship with them. You don’t even have to tell them you forgive them.
What, then, does forgiving mean?
Forgiveness means that you are letting go of the negative feelings. It means that you have felt the emotions, processed them, and released them. They no longer have the power to hurt you. This is like letting go of your victim mentality; the abuser does not have any power to hurt you, nor do your emotions. This is a difficult process and does not happen overnight.
Eli Wiesel, a Holocaust survivor, writer, and Nobel Peace Laureate, suffered immensely under the Nazi regime. Taken to concentration camp Buchenwald, Wiesel’s parents and younger sister were killed before he and his two other sisters were liberated. If anyone has reason to bear resentment and hatred, it is this man. Instead, he has written about his experiences (thus processing and releasing them), and he has worked to make people aware of the Holocaust and ethnic cleansing throughout the world. Not only that, but he has shown tremendous courage in forgiving. In an interview with Oprah Winfrey, Oprah asked if he hated his oppressors. His reply:
I had anger but never hate. Before the war, I was too busy studying the Bible and the Cabala to hate. After the war, I thought, What’s the use? To hate would be to reduce myself.
To continue to hang onto hurt, pain, anger, and fear reduces us. It places us always as the victims. For your own sake, for your health and well-being, you need to start on this path of forgiveness. Is it worth holding onto negative feelings at the risk of your happiness and your health? We hold workshops on a regular basis across the country (and around the world) where I work with attendees on problems like victim mentality.
http://www.deborahkingcenter.com/resources/advice/emotional-healing/victim-mentality.aspx
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